I don't do movie reviews, but......

Spoiler alert: Please don't read if you plan to watch Ra.One or 7aum Arivu.

Randomly Accessed nonsense.....

Correct me if I am wrong, but Shahrukh Khan refused to do "Enthiran" with Shankar and one year later made this film???? The mind boggles! So, was he trying to make a superhero movie or a convoluted love story? OK, I will keep this simple...the story was non-existent, the jokes were inhuman, the Tamizh speaking and noodle eating made me want to cry, the dialogs made me want to be an ostrich and bury my head in the ground, SRK had a bad-hair-first-half-of-the-film and in the second half, was perched uncomfortably on the roof of his house in a tight superhero suit, Thalaivar's cameo was painful (he is niceness personified, but he must now know when to draw the line), Dalip Tahil made me wish that I was blind and deaf, Sanjay Dutt and Priyanka Chopra could have spent their time more wisely, who the heck tailored Shahana Goswami's suits and did her hair (shudder!), the CG looked good, Kareena looked awesome and Arjun Rampal looked brooding and delish. Maybe Shahrukh should have stuck to formula and made a movie about how a geeky scientist lands a smoking hot girl in the first place. This could be set in a chateau in the alps and/or Amsterdam, with dreamy looks and great song picturization. Just when the audience is wading in sugar syrup, Arjun Rampal could have come in and created some brooding and delish ruckus, followed by tears. Then, Amitabh and Jaya could have been the wise and elderly matchmakers with saccharine smiles who unite the couple in the end. Everybody say "Shava Shava!" Seriously though, Ra.One could have been a truly fun flick if some semblance of focus had been maintained.....what a shame!

Making sense of it all....

I am fine for the first five minutes of the film, blissfully counting Surya's six-packs and enjoying strains of peaceful Mohanam, that seems to be the popular scale for most east-asian music. I'm only mildly flummoxed at a certain Pallava prince leaving for China one fine morning because his teacher felt it was a good idea.....I tell myself that this is the 6th century and possibly the era of following instructions from teacher implicitly. Then, said prince starts to teach the art of Kalari to the people of China and somehow becomes much revered Karate/Kung-fu master who accepts poisoned food from his hosts because they don't want him to leave their land. I marvel at the speed at which I become brain-dead. Then, there is circus type buffoonery and some very half-hearted romance between the lead pair. This brings me to Shruti (of the Hassan fame): she is a lissome lass who has her mother's delicate features......very pleasant to look at until she decides to go spoil it all by opening her shapely mouth and talk in Tamizh. At one point, she lambasts some elderly scientists who mock all things Tamizh by speaking in chaste VJ/RJ Tamizh....the irony! Surya (and six-packs) don't disappoint, except for a very questionable choice of wardrobe. However he looks lost, as does most of the cast and by now most of the audience as well. The villain (appropriately called Dong Lee) is, to put it kindly, a blight on the face of all villains. For one, he actually looks cute in an eastern kinda way. Also, he does not actually do anything per se....just looks weirdly at random people who then do his bidding. Where is the scar on the face, the feral look in the eyes and the snarl, I ask you? Ding dong wears street clothes and looks pretty....even item girls need to shake a leg to get paid! By the time Biowar and scientific references roll around, I am comfortably ensconced in a coma. Key concepts are explained via Google searches and Wikipedia,3-D images of DNA strands are visible through regular microscopes, genetic memory is jogged with injections and immersion in a liquid chamber and I truly don't bat an eyelid. At this point, you could have told me that I am dear Moammar's long lost daughter and I would have cheerfully agreed, even marveling at the striking resemblance. It is all genetical, or is it genital? Pardon me ladies and gents, my neuron's are truly fried.