Local Positioning System

On a recent road trip, I was thinking how cool it would be if the GPS voice (christened Susan and her male counterpart as Bob by spouse) was customized to speak in dialects that are closer to home for most of us. So, here goes....


If she were called Sharada, she would speak Tambram. Every road trip would begin auspiciously with "Vishnu Sahasranamam" in the background with temple bell sounds interspersed. If we make the mistake of ever starting in rahukaalam or yamakandam, the trip would start with a parihara mantram. Even if the route called for making a left, Sharada would say "Bagawane prarthichundu valadu kai pakkam thirumbuda! Cholrenoliyo? Namma periyawaa yellaam appidi thaan cholirrukkaa sasthrathle". After making a few right hand turns and finding yourself back at the same spot that you started, she would give you the signal to go left, albeit reluctantly. I am pretty sure that early Tambram explorers figured out that the world was round in this auspicious way. After taking you to Vinayagar kovil first (sounds of "setheru kaayi" breaking will erupt from the console), Anumaar kovil, Perumal kovil and few others, she will put you back on track with "Nanna vendindiyo da Ambi? Road trip ippo kshemama irukkum. Chant with me.."Aigiri Nandhini..." The drive of two hours will thus take approximately nine hours to complete.


For the Delhite, it would be Balbir Singh ji saying "Aap chintaa hi naa karo ji, mein hoon naa ji? Aapko ji, bilkul sahi jagah par pohchaadoonga ji. Vahe guru da khalsa, Vahe guru di fateh!" The console will be adjusted to say "lefet" when we actually have to go right and vice versa, for every one knows that Delhites are a bit direction challenged....they will hold out their left hand and say "Agli gali pe right maar lo aap ji aur bas dus mint mein pohonch jaoge ji." If a Delhite is to be believed, every destination is only "dus mint" away and rightly so, for they all believe that Delhi is a small island situated very far from the rest of the country. No wonder when you tell them that you are from Hyderabad, Chennai, Trivandrum, heck, even Bhopal, the response is always "Achchaa aap madraasi ho ji. Badi achchi saambur banaate ho aap log ji."


The bambaiyya Bob will actually be Balraj Khedekar and will start every trip with the tutari, dholak and lezims playing with the war cry "Jai Maharashtra". Optional feature is Lavani dancers flitting across the screen with a burst of mogra incense filling the car. Alternatively, he could be Babu Bhai who will say "Abhi kyaa? Tere ko ekdum fit pahunchaa dega apan, maaloom kya?" and if you dare disobey his commands, it will surely be "Abey O shaaney! Mein tere ko kyaa bola aur tu kya kar rela hai? Jyaada shaanpatti ki to kaan ke neechu chamaat khaayega....kya? Chamaat! Eh, Babu bhai ke saath dadagiri? Tapka daalega mein". The problem with either Balraj Khedekar GPS or Babu bhai GPS is that once they go into a rampage mode, it might take several hours for them to calm down. Also, Khedekar bhau will flat out refuse to take you to any non-Hindu locations....big problem.


However, I am ever so partial to namba Sakeela akka from Chennai-upon-Kouvam who will replace the posh Susan's "Please drive to highlighted route" with "Aiye oru dabba sonna piriyaadhaa? Soththu kai pakkam thirmba sonna peechaan kai pakkam thirmbare? Unnakellan yentha kasmaalam license kuduthuchu? Aiye....vanduduchchu paaru caare otta.....kayithe!" This model comes with a special addition....when a rash driver cuts you off, Sakeela will bellow "Inna, oottule soluttu vanttiyaa? Moodevi! Vekkam, maanam soodu, soranai yethaachchu irukka? Porikki Naaye! Thodappa kattai pinjurum solliten!"


(This post is dedicated to brother S for planting the seed of thought..........many thanks for the inspiration!)