A Vanity Affair

So, I had time to kill and went to the mall yesterday. I was minding my own business and quietly reflecting on how the price of an item of clothing disproportionately increases with the decrease in the amount of cloth used to make it or how girls' shorts and tees are getting shorter and smaller by the nanosecond and boys' shorts and tees longer and more baggy...are boys becoming more modest or girls getting hotter (pun unintended)? and other such oddities of the the retail world, when I am approached by a saleswoman from one of the cosmetic counters. "Would you like to try out the new skin and make-up line from our company? There is a free gift with every purchase." "Why not?", I thought to myself.


So, I am asked to sit on the most uncomfortable swivel barstools. The lady turns on all the lights and brings out a rather large mirror for me to look at. Now, I am fairly average looking, but a mirror that size is daunting to say the least. She goes on to say that you have "uneven skin-tone", whatever that means, and several "dark spots". You are also beginning to get some fine lines near your eyes. Did she just say "lines"?! Calling them "fine" certainly did not make it any better. "Product X will help with the skin tone, Product Y will take care of the lines and Product Z will erase all the dark circles under your eyes." So saying, she applies all three to my face. I grin sheepishly at her and say that they all feel and smell the same....like Ponds Cold Cream. I have that at home and use it everyday. She is not amused.


So, she continues her monologue while slapping many different gooey concoctions on my face and tells me "Look, I have made-up the right side of your face now. Compare with the unmade side and see what a difference our products make". I peer into the mirror, I squint at my half-made face, I move real close to the mirror, I also get off the stool and look....I don't see any change. I still look spectacular, I say to her. A bit exasperated with me now, she says "We have the perfect set of products for our most discerning customers.....its called the Ultra Mega Miraculolicious Goop. Tell you what, I will make the whole of your face with this and throw in some freebies. I will also give you a ten-day supply so that you can use it in the comfort of your home and come back to purchase when you are ready....and I know that you will come back for more! We have had such success with this line". She continues to talk and apply my new make-up for the next half hour while I'm being lulled into a deep sleep by her monotone. When I awake, I realize that its almost time to pick-up offspring at school. I hurriedly collect my items from the lady with promises to be back when the products run out and leave.


So, spouse returns from work and does a double-take at my new and supposedly improved face. I think nothing of his "peiy aranja" look or the fact that my offspring walked past me at pick-up today until I retire for bed. I almost have an aneurysm when I look at my reflection in the mirror.....let's just say I was reminded of the dearly departed Michael Jackson and his famous song "Thriller" at that point. After scrubbing the make-up off , I apply my trusted Ponds Cold Cream.


So, I don't know about you, but I'd rather look like myself....uneven skin-tone, lines, dark spots and all, than pay a whole lot of money to look like Michael Jackson's ghost!