A few thoughts on the recently concluded Navarathri celebrations. While the celebrations passed with much fanfare and festivity, I couldn't help but suggest some improvements for the next year in the interest of human, err... woman kind.
1. Overhead seatbelts: These have to be legalized at least for anytime when the driver of the car is a lady wearing a saree. At the push of a button (after the lady has seated herself and fussed over the correct positioning of said saree), overhead setbelt will position and gently ease itself over the driver. Safety and style all rolled into one.....no unsightly creases on the freshly ironed/dry-cleaned saree.
2. Temporary deperiodizing granola bar (nod to Krish Ashok for inspiration): To be eaten especially at the onset of Navarathri and whenever the threat of period looms during the ten days. Lets face it, if you miss someone's home for tamboolam because of this pesky little irritant, its a logistical nightmare trying to reschedule.
3. Instant digestion/energy booster drink: To be had when all the sundal and sweet, so lovingly prepared, does a number on your stomach and you start feeling sluggish. This will give you the power to digest granite (don't laugh, didn't you eat that sweet at ......'s house?) and fill you up with energy required to collect tamboolam from at least 25 homes without breaking sweat.
4. Auto tuner bluetooth: This is a must-have for all people who are not tone-deaf and will help tune the earnest singers who insist on singing every Navarathri. This will make them sound like Ranjani-Gayatri or Bombay Jayashree to your ears, thereby eliciting very sincere applause.
5. Invisible memory modifier button: This will help erase any memory of the inevitable social gaffes made when you meet people once a year. Examples being: "When is the due date?" (When the lady in question has sadly added some pounds to her girth, but is definitely not pregnant), "Wonderful costume jewelry!' (when the lady is wearing a diamond necklace lovingly gifted by hubby dearest), "Is this your daughter? You look like sisters" (Now, this comment, while being a compliment to the mom is most certainly NOT to a 12-year old. When you factor that she might become a doctor (an OBGYN to boot) AND that you might have to go to her one day due to peer pressure, the comment suddenly does not sound so cute. Cardiologist, dentist....the options become progressively scary). The button will help by modifying all memories within ear-shot, making everyone mildly confused for a short period of time. A very useful tool even post navarathri.
6. Time turner: This nifty little thing (helps turn back time so more homes can be visited) was invented by J.K Rowling and is god-send for people who are trying to collect tamboolam from roughly a thousand homes in the short period of ten days. These tamboolam junkies have an almost rabid desire to collect tamboolam from as many home as is inhumanly possible. I think that they belong to a secret club that meets before navarathri to set a target number of homes. Then, they meet after navarathri to discuss their achieved targets over, you guessed it, sundal and left-over badangeer.
Until next year..........
3. Instant digestion/energy booster drink: To be had when all the sundal and sweet, so lovingly prepared, does a number on your stomach and you start feeling sluggish. This will give you the power to digest granite (don't laugh, didn't you eat that sweet at ......'s house?) and fill you up with energy required to collect tamboolam from at least 25 homes without breaking sweat.
4. Auto tuner bluetooth: This is a must-have for all people who are not tone-deaf and will help tune the earnest singers who insist on singing every Navarathri. This will make them sound like Ranjani-Gayatri or Bombay Jayashree to your ears, thereby eliciting very sincere applause.
5. Invisible memory modifier button: This will help erase any memory of the inevitable social gaffes made when you meet people once a year. Examples being: "When is the due date?" (When the lady in question has sadly added some pounds to her girth, but is definitely not pregnant), "Wonderful costume jewelry!' (when the lady is wearing a diamond necklace lovingly gifted by hubby dearest), "Is this your daughter? You look like sisters" (Now, this comment, while being a compliment to the mom is most certainly NOT to a 12-year old. When you factor that she might become a doctor (an OBGYN to boot) AND that you might have to go to her one day due to peer pressure, the comment suddenly does not sound so cute. Cardiologist, dentist....the options become progressively scary). The button will help by modifying all memories within ear-shot, making everyone mildly confused for a short period of time. A very useful tool even post navarathri.
6. Time turner: This nifty little thing (helps turn back time so more homes can be visited) was invented by J.K Rowling and is god-send for people who are trying to collect tamboolam from roughly a thousand homes in the short period of ten days. These tamboolam junkies have an almost rabid desire to collect tamboolam from as many home as is inhumanly possible. I think that they belong to a secret club that meets before navarathri to set a target number of homes. Then, they meet after navarathri to discuss their achieved targets over, you guessed it, sundal and left-over badangeer.
Until next year..........
Hilarious! Keep them coming. Auto tuner bluetooth is made of win!
ReplyDeleteSorry for the late reply, but thanks for the encouragement!
ReplyDeleteBrilliant awesomanga piece. As they say 'imitation is the best form of flattery', so here goes my contribution for next navarathri ...
ReplyDelete3D golu projector – God send boon for those folks with time & space challenges. At the flick of a switch, a customized golu can be projected anywhere. Visitors will be given 3D glasses to view, admire and even ‘feel ’ them. Comes in 3 sizes – Small 3-5P, Med 7-9P, Large 11-13P. Anything above 13P is a custom order but requires a brain scan first.
PKKP (Portable Karaoke Kutcheri Player) – This cool little player has multiple uses. (1) Talented singers can give a grand performance with full ensemble (2) Those with memory problems and who find it extremely challenging to remember lyrics of simple songs can sing along with lyrics displayed on screen (3) ‘Gumbaloodu govinda’ singers who cannot sing alone can play their fav songs and just lip sync (4) Doubles up as shruti potti.
Saravana bhavan & KC technologies offer Sundal App for iPhone/blackberry – This app lets a user to ‘bump’ another iphone/blackberry and transfer an image of steaming hot sundal and 10 sundal points. No need to cook, clean and avoid burping from wrong places after consuming one sundal too many. Version 1.0 costs $4.99 and is good for 10 servings (bumps). Sundal points can be redeemed @ Saravana bhavan.
Priya: Good sense of humor. Enjoyed reading it. Keep them coming.
ReplyDelete- Uthra
@ Kasi....loved the technical additions....maybe you should be my tech advisor. :-P
ReplyDeleteI was ROTFL at Sundal App.
@Uthra....thanks a lot girl! You made my day.
late aa vandhalum latesta solrein - u have just made me decide a goal in my next decade..if i can't make it to india i sure as hell am coming to NJ for navrathri.. this reminds me of home and all the excess sundal/badangeer (Too much ya!!! ) ,...roftl...dang you are too funny !!! - uma
ReplyDeleteHa Ha! Thanks Uma. Come on over and join in the madness!!!
ReplyDeleteHilarious manni and yet so true. well for better or for worse here's my two cents to it.
ReplyDeleteHow about a etoken system???...Just visit the concerned house and use the app (Possibly from KC technologies :)) to transfer an etoken..at the end of navrathri people can go to a store(Shakti puja solutions chain) to redeem the tokens to get sundal as well as vetthlai pakku thereby eliminating the need to carry the inconvenient carry bag for all this. Also cooking , packaging etc are eliminated. The app will also calculate the optimum amount of sundal per person thereby eliminating over eating.
House app... just feed in the addresses of the houses one intends to visit the day. The app calculates the best possible route to cover the said houses in the shortest possible time.
name app- specially meant for youngsters who have to tag along with their parents to these houses. The app shows them the picture of the people in the house, their names and the relation to their parents. Thus the awkward moment when the mami or mama asks " naan yaaru sollu parkalam?" is avoided and embarrassing situations don't occur.
Tracker app- the app keeps track of the number of vetthlai pakku, gifts, amount of sundal present etc. Also keeps track of the number of people yet to arrive. Thus one can be forewarned if any shortages is going to occur or not.
Regards
@Shakti dhar
Yappa Shakti....yengeyo poyite!
Delete