The morning chronicle

Whoever said that time flies when you are having fun is a big fat liar and does not know a thing about getting kids ready for school in the morning. Don't believe me? Let me tell you what happens in my house from 6:30 a.m to 9:00 a.m every single working day. It is a short period of time that flies too quickly even though I am most definitely NOT having fun.

You would think that something that needs to be done every day, like waking up to go to school will  come naturally, but no it doesn't. Whoever said that it takes two weeks for any habit to form is also a big fat liar. Incidentally, who are these people and why are they saying random things that unnecessarily increase expectations in the minds of unsuspecting mothers? Its just not right!

So, every morning, I try to wake offspring....I have tried:

• Turning lights on and turning fan/humidifier drone off. Absolutely no change...if anything, I can hear the snores more clearly......forgot to spray allergy medication at night, you see.
• Pulling sheets/comforter off of them.....they just move to my freshly made bed and proceed to continue where they left off.
• Calling out in normal frequencies, above normal frequencies, ear-splitting frequencies and even in frequencies that I am told can only be heard by bats. Fat lot of good that did!
• Wetting tissue and running it over offspring's face. Older offspring merely giggles and turns over in his sleep.
• Singing to them.....both in key and off. I managed to get a furrow of the brow with the off-key singing....musically inclined my offspring is.
• Playing M.S's Venkatesa Suprabhatam......... it is the sound that most of south India wakes up to, including a certain Yezhumalayaan sitting in the town of Tirupathi. No such luck in Northeastern U.S.A.....time zone problems maybe?

After all this, even if I do manage to get them off their bed, they seem to have a problem remembering which direction the bathroom is. Older just looks at me blankly and younger happily goes to the play room and proceeds to play an elaborate game of Monopoly all by himself. A few friendly (?) reminders later, they find the bathroom. After several more friendly reminders, they are brushed, showered and dressed and I am ready for my daily anxiety attack since it is now 8:15 a.m and kids have to leave the house at 8:30. 

Breakfast is yet another ordeal since both offspring never EVER want the same thing to eat. I have to play this carefully because if I say that there will be one choice and the other will just have to eat it, I am accused of favoritism. So, in the interest of political correctness, I make two different breakfasts every day. Between making two breakfasts, packing two different lunches and two different snacks, I am seeing double everywhere. No wonder, it takes them double the time to eat a meal now, compared to when we are not rushed. 

Finally, food gets eaten, mouth washed, back-packs packed, jackets, hat, mittens and shoes worn and we are in the car.....it is now 8:35 and we are already stretching our time cushion. Younger chooses this very auspicious moment to announce that he needs to go potty. Seriously, God chooses this time to explain to me that what goes in must come out? So, off comes the jacket, the hat, the mittens, the shoes and the clothes and offspring proceeds to sing very leisurely at the potty while I wait, multiple veins throbbing and ready to explode. After getting done and getting dressed all over again, we are back in the car. 

At the end of the car ride, where I battle short traffic lights and other crazed moms and dads, I reach the kids to school. It is now 9:02 and when I drive out of the parking lot, I feel as though the weight of the world has lifted off my shoulders. I make it back home with absolutely no energy for I have had no time to eat breakfast and there on the kitchen counter sit two packed lunch boxes............................




Addendum: Offspring wakes up at 5:30 a.m on a snow day. Really now!