The morning chronicle

Whoever said that time flies when you are having fun is a big fat liar and does not know a thing about getting kids ready for school in the morning. Don't believe me? Let me tell you what happens in my house from 6:30 a.m to 9:00 a.m every single working day. It is a short period of time that flies too quickly even though I am most definitely NOT having fun.

You would think that something that needs to be done every day, like waking up to go to school will  come naturally, but no it doesn't. Whoever said that it takes two weeks for any habit to form is also a big fat liar. Incidentally, who are these people and why are they saying random things that unnecessarily increase expectations in the minds of unsuspecting mothers? Its just not right!

So, every morning, I try to wake offspring....I have tried:

• Turning lights on and turning fan/humidifier drone off. Absolutely no change...if anything, I can hear the snores more clearly......forgot to spray allergy medication at night, you see.
• Pulling sheets/comforter off of them.....they just move to my freshly made bed and proceed to continue where they left off.
• Calling out in normal frequencies, above normal frequencies, ear-splitting frequencies and even in frequencies that I am told can only be heard by bats. Fat lot of good that did!
• Wetting tissue and running it over offspring's face. Older offspring merely giggles and turns over in his sleep.
• Singing to them.....both in key and off. I managed to get a furrow of the brow with the off-key singing....musically inclined my offspring is.
• Playing M.S's Venkatesa Suprabhatam......... it is the sound that most of south India wakes up to, including a certain Yezhumalayaan sitting in the town of Tirupathi. No such luck in Northeastern U.S.A.....time zone problems maybe?

After all this, even if I do manage to get them off their bed, they seem to have a problem remembering which direction the bathroom is. Older just looks at me blankly and younger happily goes to the play room and proceeds to play an elaborate game of Monopoly all by himself. A few friendly (?) reminders later, they find the bathroom. After several more friendly reminders, they are brushed, showered and dressed and I am ready for my daily anxiety attack since it is now 8:15 a.m and kids have to leave the house at 8:30. 

Breakfast is yet another ordeal since both offspring never EVER want the same thing to eat. I have to play this carefully because if I say that there will be one choice and the other will just have to eat it, I am accused of favoritism. So, in the interest of political correctness, I make two different breakfasts every day. Between making two breakfasts, packing two different lunches and two different snacks, I am seeing double everywhere. No wonder, it takes them double the time to eat a meal now, compared to when we are not rushed. 

Finally, food gets eaten, mouth washed, back-packs packed, jackets, hat, mittens and shoes worn and we are in the car.....it is now 8:35 and we are already stretching our time cushion. Younger chooses this very auspicious moment to announce that he needs to go potty. Seriously, God chooses this time to explain to me that what goes in must come out? So, off comes the jacket, the hat, the mittens, the shoes and the clothes and offspring proceeds to sing very leisurely at the potty while I wait, multiple veins throbbing and ready to explode. After getting done and getting dressed all over again, we are back in the car. 

At the end of the car ride, where I battle short traffic lights and other crazed moms and dads, I reach the kids to school. It is now 9:02 and when I drive out of the parking lot, I feel as though the weight of the world has lifted off my shoulders. I make it back home with absolutely no energy for I have had no time to eat breakfast and there on the kitchen counter sit two packed lunch boxes............................




Addendum: Offspring wakes up at 5:30 a.m on a snow day. Really now!

If life were a wine list......

The Namitha.......full-bodied flavor with a hint of pout and arrogance.


The Aishwarya......Dry and vapid. A white wine that offers no flavor.


The Tiger Woods........a classic two-flavor wine that clubs the classy with the trashy.


The Brad Pitt...........a wonderful, gentle accompaniment to the naturally stronger flavors of the Angelina Jolie.


The Barack Obama........a lovely supple texture if you are in need of change (literally and figuratively).


The Amitabh Bachchan..........a strong and tempestuous blend of narcissism and senility.


The Juhi Chawla.....a champagne that simply refuses to stop bubbling almost to the extent of nausea.


The Vijayakanth.........son of the soil flavor only sold in extra large barrels.


The Sarah Palin..........an exceptionally flaky flavor given to bursts of dimwittedness. A classic blond that is disguised in a brunette bottle.


The WikiLeaks.........a strong red wine with a propensity for file sharing.


The Karunanidhi..........a dry, raspy wine sold exclusively in dark bottles, also known as "coolers". Is the well aged patriarch of the MooKaa family of wines like the Stalin, the Muthu, the Kanimozhi, etc.


The Robert Downey Jr...........a strong masculine blend simply aged to perfection.

of exercise and eating

today is the end of an era.....i am hitherto going to stop going to the gym. ha...there....i said it!


why this "dhideer gyaanodhayam", you may ask. to which i answer, if oprah is her portly self with a personal chef who can make perfectly balanced and portioned meals and a personal trainer who will customize exercise routines for her, what hope can a mere mortal such as I have? i am also tired of the pressure and the guilt trip. pressure from looking at the formerly plump and now toned people, pressure from the die-hards who prefer their time at the gym than a hot cup of tea and accompanying pakodas while watching a movie on Netflix, pressure from the well-meaning regulars who "kuchlam vijaarichufy" after every long absence......"romba naala ongala pakkalaye", pressure from people who seem to eat like the proverbial pig and yet maintain a figure that does NOT make them look like asha parekh when trying on new clothes, pressure from family members who meaningfully show me pictures of bollywood actresses of the size zero fame. seriously, what is this size zero and more importantly, how can it exist? doesn't zero mean "nothing"? how can one possibly be a "nothing" size and take any measure of pride from it? imagine dad admonishing the daughter...." you spend all your time at the gym, you don't go to college, you don't eat anything and whatever you eat, you vomit out. you are NOTHING.....a zero" the girl proudly says "thank you appa".  the mind boggles.


so, i will eat as i please and lounge about as i please. however, i cannot possibly watch any screen because all the models selling various products, movie stars, tv stars and even the animated women are all uniformly, if not a size zero, close to it. i will probably have to resign myself to watching dora, because at least she, like me, appears to be well-fed and proudly sports a tummy that her shirt will not hold in. what did you say....there is a teen version of dora who looks like miranda cosgrove and tummy is nowhere to be seen? dang......its back to the gym for me. at least i can salivate watching giada de laurentis cook while "maangu maangunnu" pounding the elliptical. that brings me to the question as to whether giada ever eats any of the meals that she cooks? there's some food for thought!

Navarathri

A few thoughts on the recently concluded Navarathri celebrations. While the celebrations passed with much fanfare and festivity, I couldn't help but suggest some improvements for the next year in the interest of human, err... woman kind.

1. Overhead seatbelts: These have to be legalized at least for anytime when the driver of the car is a lady wearing a saree. At the push of a button (after the lady has seated herself and fussed over the correct positioning of said saree), overhead setbelt will position and gently ease itself over the driver. Safety and style all rolled into one.....no unsightly creases on the freshly ironed/dry-cleaned saree.

2. Temporary deperiodizing granola bar (nod to Krish Ashok for inspiration): To be eaten especially at the onset of Navarathri and whenever the threat of period looms during the ten days. Lets face it, if you miss someone's home for tamboolam because of this pesky little irritant, its a logistical nightmare trying to reschedule.


3. Instant digestion/energy booster drink:  To be had when all the sundal and sweet, so lovingly prepared, does a number on your stomach and you start feeling sluggish. This will give you the power to digest granite (don't laugh, didn't you eat that sweet at ......'s house?) and fill you up with energy required to collect tamboolam from at least 25 homes without breaking sweat. 


4. Auto tuner bluetooth: This is a must-have for all people who are not tone-deaf and will help tune the earnest singers who insist on singing every Navarathri. This will make them sound like Ranjani-Gayatri or Bombay Jayashree to your ears, thereby eliciting very sincere applause. 


5. Invisible memory modifier button: This will help erase any memory of the inevitable social gaffes made  when you meet people once a year. Examples being: "When is the due date?" (When the lady in question has sadly added some pounds to her girth, but is definitely not pregnant), "Wonderful costume jewelry!' (when the lady is wearing a diamond necklace lovingly gifted by hubby dearest), "Is this your daughter? You look like sisters" (Now, this comment, while being a compliment to the mom is most certainly NOT to a 12-year old. When you factor that she might become a doctor (an OBGYN to boot) AND that you might have to go to her one day due to peer pressure, the comment suddenly does not sound so cute. Cardiologist, dentist....the options become progressively scary). The button will help by modifying all memories within ear-shot, making everyone mildly confused for a short period of time. A very useful tool even post navarathri.


6. Time turner: This nifty little thing (helps turn back time so more homes can be visited) was invented by J.K Rowling and is god-send for people who are trying to collect tamboolam from roughly a thousand homes in the short period of ten days.  These tamboolam junkies have an almost rabid desire to collect tamboolam from as many home as is inhumanly possible. I think that they belong to a secret club that meets before navarathri to set a target number of homes. Then, they meet after navarathri to discuss their achieved targets over, you guessed it, sundal and left-over badangeer. 


Until next year..........

Tamizha! Tamizha!

The recent "Ulaga Tamizh Maanaadu" resulted in much discussion. Many views were expressed, foremost being that it is a pointless waste of time and an expensive publicity stunt by the ruling party of Tamizh Nadu. Some others were worried that Tamizh Nadu is going the way of a certain "M" state of India where love for the native language and "son of the soil" pride has grown to ridiculous proportions, bordering on insanity. People blogged and tweeted endlessly about it and many jokes were made. The "Tamizh-isation" of everything English was rehashed (pun unintended), as was the re-re-re naming of several Chennai roads. .I don't live in Tamizh Nadu anymore but I can imagine how fanatical the state government could get about an extravaganza such as this, taking it gleefully to the level of a 3-ring circus. 

Don't get me wrong here...I love the language. My lack of fluency in sentamizh has been a big regret all my life. A large body of wonderful literature remains sadly unexplored due to this impediment. I grew up with a daily dose of pazhamozhis, kurrals and abridged versions of many stories. Hence, love for tamizh remains deeply rooted even though my ability at reading the language still remains snail-paced. I can sit through hours of pattimandrams and related programs on TV, alternatively mesmerised by the language and consumed with jealousy at the participants and their ease with the language. My problem is with this blatant use of the language for political gains. 

Tamizh Nadu enjoys a colorful variety of spoken dialects including the amazing Madras Tamizh....a wonderful amalgam of Tamizh and an unidentified alien language spoken in a series of mutilated sounds. Writing in Tamizh however still is in classic sentamizh. So, I am quite happy with people trying to emphasize the rich heritage of the language for fear of it being lost to the many non-indegenous influences that are omnipresent today. Also, lets face it, other Indian languages have decades of goodwill working in their favor. Tamizh is a very hard language, both to learn and on the ears....it needs all the publicity that it can get.

So, a website was built and "Aascaar tamizhan, thambi A.R.R" was brought on board to bring all the "feelings" to life with music in the spectacular way that only he can. Incidentally, did you notice the complete absence of lip-syncing kollywood stars? This is how its done, "phir mile sur mera tumhara" people, but I digress. All was well until the government started sending goons to various places around the state to have sign boards removed if they were not in tamizh. Really now, this is from the people whose families own companies called Sun Network, Sun Pictures, Red Giant Pictures  and Cloud 9 pictures. The mayor is still called the மேயர், isn't he and it is still the சென்னை கார்பரேஷன், isn't it? I am baffled.

As I understand, this is not the first tamizh conference....it started in the year 1966 with the intention of promoting the rich heritage of the language. The 2010 mega extravaganza was not even approved by the International association for tamizh research. So, my plea is that lets keep politics and personal agendas aside and celebrate this beautiful language in a manner befitting its majestic stature.

வாழ்க தமிழ்!

Michhami Dukkadam

My good friend M is Jain. Through her, I came across this wonderful phrase. My understanding is that Jains celebrate a festival called "Paryushana" over a period of eight to ten days (depending on your Jain sect). On the last day, they have this spiritual cleansing where they say this phrase to all whom they know. The essence of the phrase is "On this auspicious occasion of Paryushan we wish you all Michhami Dukkadam!  We beg your forgiveness from the bottom of our hearts for whatever misdeeds or misbehaviour, whether knowingly or unknowingly done by us to you through mind, thoughts, actions or speech during the past year. This is the whole "Kshamapana Sutra" with meaning 


KHAAMEMI SAVVE JEEVA (I grant forgiveness to all living beings) 
SAVVE JEEVA KHAMANTU ME (May all living beings grant me forgiveness) 
METTI ME SAVVE BHUYESU (My friendship is with all living beings) 
VAIRAM MAJHAM NA KENAI (My enemy is totally non-existent) 

MICHHAMI DUKKADAM 

I was struck by the beautiful simplicity of this spiritual practice and upon reading further, I came to understand that almost every human religion calls for some kind of forgiveness from fellow living beings. How appropriate is this in our lives in this day and age? If only we could all make this part of our daily ritual, so many issues will be resolved. The cause for many modern diseases are now being attributed to deep-seated and unresolved hurt that we all collect over the course of our lifetime. Sometimes, this hurt is generations old, from various ancestors and passed on through your parents. The Cholesterol drug-maker "Vytorin" has it right.....some of that high cholesterol is from your eating habits and some is from your extended family! How nice it would be if everyday we entertain these stresses for a small amount time, acknowledge them and then set them free? We forgive others even as we ask for forgiveness. Everything renews and we begin with a clean slate every single time.

I met a gentleman during a yoga seminar that I attended. He says that most of us collect all this stress in our gut area, which is why our cores get weak over time and we acquire our well-rounded bellies, which are so hard to get rid of. Ever notice how we start breathing shallow and our stomach tightens when we are in or reliving a difficult emotional situation? Bingo!....gut is receiving and storing not unwanted fat, but unwanted stress. The same can be said about people trying to get the six/eight/twelve pack abs. These efficient souls are trying to organize their stress into a smaller space so they can receive more stress. 

So keep breathing big belly breaths my friends and to each and every one of you, I say a sincere "Michhami Dukkadam".

Hate first day

Ring Ring Ring
Wake up Time
"Brush your teeth!"
"Shower up!"
"Get dressed up!"
Breakfast done
"In the car!"
Drive to School
Kiss Kiss Kiss
"Bye for Now"
Lump in throat
Choking me
Tearing Up
"I Love You!"
Lonely Day
Hate first day
Miss you guys! :-(
Please be safe.